I know You

Daughter, I know you. 

I knew you before you were even a possibility. Even now, I create every cell that makes you you.  I fashion you exactly in keeping with My style. I place My touch on you--your sparkling eyes-gems of blues and greens and browns, your ruby lips, the contours of your cheekbones, your locks curled and straightened by My hand. There is nothing about you that I have not planned. 

You question particular features, features that often seem to defeat you, but I build you with those attributes for a purpose. 

While you lament and grieve over the physical--the stubborn hair, the shape of your hips, the length of your lashes, the width of your thighs--sweet one, realize that you carry in you the genetic makeup of your parents and grandparents and each of the greats all the way back to the original parent: Me.  

You are made in My image. Know that you are beautiful, know that you are My masterpiece. 

I AM your DNA.

You have a hard time understanding that I love you. You don't have to struggle with this. When you look at your child and are amazed at the perfect skin, the head covered in hair, ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, the little button nose, those adorable chubby cheeks, and the dimpled thighs, you fall deeper and deeper in love. 

Your heart leaps and overflows with such passion for this creature who is a part of you. You marvel at this glorious living being and bask in holding her, cradling her, breathing in her deep baby scent. 

Daughter, this is how I feel when I look at you. I yearn to hold you, cradle you, and pour out My great love for you. Nothing gives Me greater pleasure than to spend time with you. And I fall so deeply in love with you over and over again. 

Yes, I know there are ugly things about you--things you've chosen, things you wallow in--but you do not stop loving your child when she is covered in filth and vomit. 

No, it is with great love and mercy for your little one that you reach out, pick up, and wash off the filth. You make her clean--removing every trace of evidence that she was ever less than perfect. You see the beauty that she is even when she is encased in the grime, and you move to restore her to that former glory.  

You clothe her in fresh garments, nuzzle up to the crease in her tiny neck, and inhale deeply. Bliss!

Sweet daughter, this is us!  

This is how I see you! I do not stop loving you when you find yourself covered in rebellion, bitterness, and pride. I do not turn from you in disgust, but I reach out, pick up, and wash off the sins with the precious blood of My only Son. I clothe you in righteousness and perfume you with the Holy Spirit. I lean in close, so close, and draw you to My chest. My precious, this is bliss for Me. 

Daughter, hear Me. Hear My heart for you. Oh, how I love you.

Judged

That woman in that totally inappropriate dress for Parent-Teacher conferences at your child's school. That teenager with the shorts that reveal a bit too much. The businessman clad in designer suit and shoes. The teacher standing in front of twenty-five out of control kids with her expo marker and no math lesson plans. The busy mom of four who handles with flair every stinkin' thing that comes her way.

They have one certain thing in common.

I looked at them and weighed them. I made a judgment about who they are, what kind of lives they lead, what they are worth. 

Be honest. You do it too. 

You looked at that woman with the 3-inch high heels and the dress that hugs her curves, and you assumed you knew everything about her because you know her type. What type is she?  Did you know she is the mother of three, living in a trailer park, working a steady job, trying to make ends meet?  Did you know that she grew up in an even worse trailer park, with little to eat and little to wear?  Did you know that she felt the first sting of judgment as a kindergartner with the not-new-but-new-to-her tennis shoes she wore the first day of school?  Did you know that, as a child, breakfast and lunch were her two main meals each day, that sometimes those small school meals were her only meals for the day, and that she is determined to better for her three children?  Did you see the hurt in her eyes and the blow to her heart when she overheard your catty comments about her clothes?  I did.

You shook your head and said, "Mercy!" when that teenage girl sat down and crossed her long legs.  "What were her parents thinking when they let her go out in those short shorts?" you wondered.  "Somebody should teach her better."  Maybe somebody should teach her modesty, take her under their wing to show her how valuable her purity is. Maybe she's doing the best she knows because no one ever took the time to teach her her value, to instill in her her worth.  Maybe that hard look she has about her hides her insecurities and her fears of ever being loved.  Did you consider that?  I did.

You followed that businessman with your eyes as soon as he walked through the door.  Perfectly coiffed hair, expensive sunglasses, shined shoes.   He's got power and magnetism.  He is successful and handsome too. You immediately sized him up with his Armani suit and expensive watch.  You noticed the barista's response to his perfect white-teeth smile, and you smiled too.  You heard his laugh and thought you'd like to know him.  He must have grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth, private schools, expensive vacations.  He's got it all.  Perhaps. He has all that he thought would make him happy and he's worked hard to get it.  Yes, he started off ahead of the curve, but the top of the hill isn't nearly as wonderful as he thought it would be.  He hides the loneliness in white powder, he swallows the depression with a shot, and he buries his fear of never being good enough in the bottle of pills.  You didn't see his hand shake.  I did.

You stood outside the classroom and wondered at the chaos inside.  How could any child learn in this environment?  How could this teacher let it get to this point?  How could she just let her students run wild and be so loud in the hallway?  Every time you voice an idea, she tells you a better way.  She talks a good talk, puts on a great face when the principal is around, but you've got her number. You didn't hear her sigh when she was asked to be on another committee. I did.

You watch that young mother at church.  She has four children under seven and she has it all together.  She works a full-time job, runs the Sunday School program, and does it without getting a hair out of place.  She and her kids are dressed in the cutest outfits and their hair is always perfect.  You don't have children, but when you do, you want them to be just like these little lovelies, and you want to be just like this perfect mom.  Her pictures on Facebook are unreal; they look like they are straight out of a movie. Gorgeous husband, adorable kids.  What else could she want?  You don't notice in her busyness the fatigue in her eyes.  You don't hear the hitch in her voice when you asked her where her husband was last Sunday. You don't see the struggle to keep up the perfect image; you don't see what it costs her.  I did.

You keep looking and judging by what you see and hear, but the outward appearance doesn't tell you the value of the person. It's been said, "Pay no attention to how tall and handsome he is. I have rejected him because I do not judge as people judge. They look at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart."  

I judge by what I know.  I know the broken hearts.  I know the abuse.  I know the loneliness.  I know the fear of never being good enough.  I know the exhaustion of trying to hold it all together.  I know what the arrogance hides.  I know.  I know it all--all the hurt, all the lies, all the envy, greed, and lust.  I see every single sin.  But instead of talking about and assuming things about these people, I did something else.  I judged them "worthy".  I judged them "beautiful".  I judged them "loved".  I judged them "enough."

I judged you the same.

You are beautiful.

You are worthy.

You are loved.

You are enough.

Because you are Mine.

Your Father,

God

Return

You are unfocused.  You are scattered.  Where are your thoughts?  That's where your heart lies.  I'm not your heart.  You fill your time and your mind with things that do not matter when you can fill your life with Me.  What do you yearn for?  What do you desire more than life itself?  Nothing.  

Nothing.

Your passion has left and you gave up pursuing me.  You are resting on your past laurels, your past encounters.  You cannot do that.  You must engage with Me daily, yearning and protecting that time we share.  It is precious.  Yes, I walk with you everywhere, every day, but that time apart with Me is needed and sanctified.  You are empowered when you meet with Me.  You are equipped and fed when you draw near.  You are satisfied and you hunger for nothing when you feast in My presence. 

Taste and see.  Stop feasting on the things the world has to offer--filling up your time, your thoughts, your hunger with things that don't matter.  Use that time to draw deeper into Me.  You walked away from it.  You were wary; you were hurt, confused.  That season is over.  Now is the time to draw strength from ME and in Me.  Put away the worldly things.  Keep your eyes and your heart on Me.  Talk to Me every day, every minute.  I am with you and want to live life with you.  Be where I am.  Do what I am doing.  Listen for My voice.  Watch for My move.  Walk in the grace that I have given; leave the condemnation behind.  Let go of what has been done and live a new life with Me.  

Set Free

"In Christ, there is no condemnation."

Romans 8:1

      You focus on where you fail, but I see where you grew. You look more and more like Christ with every choice. Keeping your eyes on your failures will never let you see the victory.

There is a reason you focus on your failures. Words have been spoken into you by others that took root and choked out the joy and peace and love you had in Me. Your child-like faith was crushed and the lies were rooted deep. Ask Me to reveal them to you. I will. Ask Me to get rid of them, and we will--together. You have to be willing to let them go. It will not be easy because they have been your constant companion all these years. These lies are familiar; they are comfortable; they are who you believed you are all these years. You have to be willing to let them go.

You know I am good. You know I am faithful. You know I can do this thing. You just have to trust Me that the pain will be only for a moment.

You can keep those companions, but you will never be an overcomer if you do. My way leads to complete freedom. That's what I want for you.

You love me. I know that you do. I have never doubted that. I know you. Let me love you the way you need for Me to love you.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 

2 Corinthians 7:10

Profound Words

Back in March, I discovered a new author, Staci Stallings.  She has an incredible talent for weaving God's truths into her beautiful stories.  I devoured all of her books in a matter of a few weeks. All of the books had amazing messages, but the message in one impacted me a lot.  I wrote down quotes from the book, but I neglected to write down the title.  I'll find it and post it, but for now--read the message.

1. None of us can live worthy of the call we have received without first giving God the permission to transform us into something we have not yet become, to create in us and with us something completely new.

2.  He gave up Heaven for you.  He went to hell to get you.  And He wants nothing more than for you to choose to follow the path He has set out for you into Heaven.  God's grace made that path an option, and it is freely given to you.  The only question is, will you accept it?

3.  People are valuable not because of their intrinsic perfection but rather because no matter how cracked we get, God refuses to throw us away.  He refuses to give up on us.

4.  When signs start all pointing in the same direction, you can know without a doubt that God is in the middle of it.

5.  Once you have a God calling on your life and you really "get it", your calling becomes your place in the world where God wants to shine His light.

6.  You ask Him to come into your heart and your life.  It is the hardest thing you will ever do because when you really mean it, the next step is total surrender to His way of doing things.

7.  Once you go all-in with God, none other than Satan himself is going to step up to take you out.  You've probably been playing with some of his demons--fear, greed, jealousy, frustration.  But if you decide to go all-in, hell will be brought against you--to make you quit, to get you to give up, to get you off the field.  Satan doesn't just want to convince you (to give up).  He's out to destroy you, to eliminate you, to annihilate you.  He doesn't want you off the field, he wants you out of the game permanently.

8.  There is a battle, a spiritual battle, being waged for souls everywhere we look.  God has been in a pitched battle for your soul for some time now.  Satan wants you to think you are a "good person" with a "good life".  He wants you to stay in that nice, safe, "good" life.  He wants you to believe there is no battle so you will have no real reason to fight.  God, however, has different plans. 

9.  You cannot face Satan on your own  He is Goliath.  He is the Egyptian army.  He is Death.  And he will take you out if you let him.
     You are no longer you.  God is in you.  He is working in your life, and He will fight if you let Him.  This is life-and-death important.  If you try to do this on your own power, the demons don't recognize your power and you'll be at their mercy.  
     There's more going on here than you can see with your natural eyes.

10.  What you have to know is that you are not helpless in this battle.  You are not.  Never, ever think you are.  In fact, the victory has already been won.  It came on a Jewish hillside 2,000 years ago when Jesus broke the chains of sin and death.  When He died and rose, He conquered death, the grave, and hell.  What we have to do now is, claim that victory.  But if we don't know how, if we don't know we have that power, we will never use it--much less use it effectively.

11.  The demons and even Satan himself have no power that we don't willingly hand over.  They can mess with us but they cannot make us do anything that we do not choose to do.
      They have absolutely no power when it comes to the Holy Blood of Jesus Christ.  They must do what you say when you command them by the Blood of Jesus and also with the Name of Jesus.  When you do this, you are not acting as yourself.  You have chosen to put Jesus in front of you, to let Him fight the battle.  The demons hate that.  They will flee.  They have no choice. 
      "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army....You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."   2 Chronicles 
     You just have to agree and cooperate with Him in the battle.  You are a child of the King, and with that comes certain privileges and also some responsibilities.  One of these is to take up the Word.  This is your weapon.  You learn this, and you will see ever more deeply that God has a plan, and His plan works.

12.  The more you decide to take the battle to Satan, the more he will come after you--work, family, home life--wherever he can get a foothold to know you off your game, he will.  He wants at all costs to convince you that you can't do this, that it's pointless to try, that you might as well give up.  He knows if he can plant those seeds of doubt in your mind and division in your heart, his plan is all but done.

13.  What you do, what you decide to do will make a difference, one way or another.  In fact, it can't not make a difference.  If you choose X, you choose the consequences of X--good and bad.  If you choose Y, you choose different consequences.  In fact, even choosing nothing at all will make a difference in what ultimately happens.  You choose, and you choose the consequences.

14.  Your choices matter.  They will take you where you will ultimately end up.  If you care about where that is, then you have to be making the choices, the decisions, now that will lead you there.

15.  "Satan and all your minions, you are hereby cast out and away from this place by the HOLY Blood of JESUS CHRIST and you are sent to the throne of the Most High God to be dealt with as He sees fit.
      "Dear Jesus, be with us in this situation.  Guide us with Your wisdom.  Help us with Your strength.  Give us Your peace and Your love, Your mercy and Your grace.  We ask this in Your Holy Name."

Swimming in the Shallows

My devotion this morning has stirred my heart, empowered my soul.  I want to share parts of it in the hope that it stirs you and empowers you.  All of the words below are mine, except for the questions.  These come from the devotion. I've retold Mark 4: 38-40, but Jesus' words in verse 40 are directly quoted from The New Living Translation.  If you want the actual devotion, it's found on the YouVersion Bible App and is called Teach Me to Pray: Devotions from Time of Grace.  I've also linked you to the Time of Grace website.  So, with all that said, here I am:

I am struggling.  I am really struggling.  There are so many areas of my life that are not where I want them to be, where they should be, where they were, and I have been powerless to change them.  I have been powerless because my faith has faltered, my passion has plummeted, my hope has been hollow and my prayers have been paltry.  I desperately wanted to be back with Him, but I've been stuck.  God did not leave me, but I left Him.  I stopped holding His hand, and I wandered away.

I've been playing a game--saying I am HIS but living as if I'm not.  I don't want to live this way anymore.

It was not an immediate separation.  It has actually taken years for me to get to this point, to get this far, to get this deep.  I didn't plunge headfirst into sin; I just sort of slid into it, dipping my toes in first, sort of skirting around the edges, getting comfortable with the water before I submerged myself.  Truthfully, it is only by God's grace and mercy that I never sank to the bottom.  He never gave up on me.  He has been calling me back to Himself and has been holding out His hands of love and forgiveness even before I thought of taking a swim in sin.

I've been swimming in the shallow end, but I'm soaked with sin, nevertheless.

That water that looked so enticing from afar is actually murky and filled with debris and death.

I splashed; I floated; I enjoyed the water.  So, I stayed.

I heard Him calling me back.  I saw His hand stretched out to pull me free.  And often I would turn to look at Him, treading water where I was, slowly paddling back toward shore, still believing that I wasn't too far gone.  But I stayed in the water.

Eventually, I realized that I was getting closer to the deep end with every swish of my foot, every stroke of my hand.  It had become difficult to keep my head above the water.  Instead of enjoying my swim,  I was treading water.  I had been playing a long time.  I was tired.  I didn't like the slime and the crud sticking to me.  I turned to head for the ladder, but it was too far away.  I was stuck in the middle. I wanted to get out, to wash off the slime, but I couldn't.  The crud and debris weighed me down and I was going under. All of the work I was doing trying to get myself out wasn't getting me any closer to the edge, to safety.   I could not make it.  I would not make it.  I needed to be pulled from the water. I desperately needed my Life Preserver but I had left Him back before I ever reached the pool.  He seemed too far away.  There was no way I could reach Him.  I so desperately wanted to be safe by His side!

In Matthew Chapter 4, the disciples are in a tiny boat in the midst of a raging storm.  They are being tossed and turned by massive waves; water is crashing over the sides.  Regardless of how hard they row, the paddles cannot control the boat. They cannot conquer the storm that threatens to sink them.  They are frantic, filled with fear.  They are going down.

Jesus is in the front of the boat, sleeping through it all.  The storm doesn't bother him.  The disciples finally cry out to Him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
Jesus wakes and speaks to the turbulent wind and the violent waters, "Quiet!  Be still!"  The wind dies the surging water subsides.

I can see the disciples staring at Jesus with their mouths hanging open, water pouring from their hair, seaweed stuck to their faces and their clothes plastered to their bodies.

Jesus looks at them.  Maybe he shakes his head a bit.  Maybe he holds his hands out in front of him to emphasize His words, "Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?"

Jesus was asking a lot when he asked those two simple questions.  He wanted to know the depth of their commitment.

He wants to know the same thing from me.  So today, He asked me.

Who do you worship?

How big is your God?

Is He really omnipotent or just semi-omnipotent?

Is He the King of everything and Lord of all?  Or just a duke or earl of all you see?

Is He the Master of the universe or merely a middle man?

Has Satan really been dealt a fatal blow or is it just a flesh wound?

How big is your faith? 

I don't want to be where I am any longer.  I don't want to test the waters.  I don't want to sample the offerings of the world.  I don't want to pretend anymore.

I want to be back where I had been ages ago--walking with Jesus, holding His hand, leaning on His promises, serving the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

He has the answers.  He has the only promises that were true.  He has all power, all knowledge, all hope.  He has defeated Satan with a mighty mortal blow.  He has peace.  He has joy!  He has everything I want.

I stop floundering.  The waters still.  I look up and see my Life Preserver, right in front of me, easily within my grasp.  I reach out and grab hold.  He pulls me out.  He sets me on dry ground and washes away the trash covering me.  He wraps His arms around me, pulling me to His chest, and then He whispers the most beautiful words to my heart.  "I've missed you.  Precious woman, you are still Mine!  I'm so glad you are home!"

Evil Runs Amuk

Two bombs explode in Boston today, killing and maiming indiscriminately, cutting down athlete and spectator alike.  We shake our heads in disbelief, crying out that we are shocked and bewildered that this could happen.  We question, "What kind of world is this that we are raising our children in where something so horrible could happen?"  And we rally together, calling on our social media friends to pray.

A lone gunman enters an elementary school, carrying multiple assault weapons that he then uses to murder young children and their teachers.  We sob, wringing our hands and our hearts in grief, and we ask ourselves how and why something so detestable could occur in this land.  And we rally together, calling out for prayer and more gun control.

Roadside bombs explode in Afghanistan and Iraq, slaughtering American soldiers,  massacring nationals, opening our eyes via television to the horrors of war.  And we rally together, calling for our soldiers to come home and leave the Middle East to itself.

Google Earth reveals multiple prison camps in North Korea, each covering a minimum of ten square miles.  Men and women are imprisoned, tortured for alleged crimes committed against the state by their parents and grand-parents.  Children are born and raised in the horror of captivity, never knowing freedom, old and dead before their time.  More men, women, and children have been imprisoned, tortured, and murdered in these Holocaust-style camps than were killed in the real Holocaust camps of World War II.  We do not rally together.  Rather, we delicately turn our heads, hiding from the crimes against humanity half a world away.

Each day, the number of fetuses and infants massacred in this country from medical abortion escalates, easily surpassing the total number of dead in World War II.  Doctors who have taken an oath to "do no harm" do just that to the voiceless millions.  And we do not gasp in horror nor do we cry out for our nation to come together to pray that the senseless murdering end.   We do not protect these innocents with our laws.  Nor do we ask how something so heinous could happen in our land. 

We allow it.


We do nothing to stop the evil.  We have become complacent in it.  We have embraced it.

And, we pat ourselves on our backs with our blood-covered hands.

Lies The Enemy Tells Me

Jesus looked straight into the rich young man's soul and said, "I want you to give up the one thing that you crave more than Me."

This is a big thing for me.  I crave lots of things, and food is one of them.  Yes, I love the taste of certain foods, but I think my desire for food is there to cover up my desire for other things.  I try to fill the void in me that constantly yells, "You don't fit in.  You aren't good enough.  You aren't pretty.  You don't have friends.  Nobody cares who you really are or how you really feel.  You are alone."

So I try to fill these gaping wounds with a slab of brownies or a glob of ice cream or a second helping.  And then I hate the way I feel physically and emotionally.

However, God says He is enough.  He says I can trust Him to fill the voids.  I can trust Him to be my everything.  And when I crave Him more than anything else, then the everything else will not have control over me anymore. 

Father, my head knows You are God.  You say that You have a plan for me that is more amazing than I can even imagine to ask for.  You say that You love me so much that You weren't willing to let me spend this life and eternity in Hell, so You gave Your Son Jesus to pay the price for me.  I know those words, Lord, but I struggle to trust You for the total truth in them.  I believe, but forgive me for not believing enough!  So, I am going to step out on faith and believe that You have me, that You won't let me down, that You won't let me fall.  Here it is, 100% right now.  I am going to trust that with every bite that I don't eat, for every time I turn away from satisfying myself with food, for every step I DO take in exercise, You are filling the voids, closing up the gaping wounds in me.  I choose to believe that You are going to fulfill your plan for me--and it is amazing! 

God Bends to Hear Me

I often think that my prayer is just one of the billions that flow out of the hearts, minds, and mouths of the world's vast population.  I picture it as in the scene from Bruce Almighty where Bruce checks God's prayer mail and is inundated with a flash flood of prayers.  Bruce is overwhelmed by the requests and simply replies "Yes" en masse. 

The truth is that God is not overwhelmed by our prayers.  He yearns for them, longing to hear his children's voices, desiring to bless us as we accept His plan for us.  One of my favorite verses is Psalm 116:2 from the New Living Translation:

"Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath."

Can't you just see the Creator of the Universe bending down to hear your whispered prayer?  What a beautiful picture of God's love and compassion for us.

I am a teacher to twenty eight- and nine-year-olds.  Most of the time they are loud and demanding.  They want what they want, when they want it, and they are not afraid to say so.  But, there are times when students come to me with needs that they whisper to me; perhaps it is embarrassing.  It might be because I am intimidating, and they are afraid I will say no.  It might be simply that they are shy.  However, in order for me to hear them and to meet their needs, I must bend down to their level. 

No, God doesn't need to bend down.  He is omnipotent, knowing our needs before we even ask.  But, because God is all-loving, He bends to come near to His beloved.  He bends to hear your whispers of pain, your moans of distress, your cries of fear, your tears of confusion and loneliness.

There is another scene from that same movie that reveals the intimacy of our prayers.  Bruce, presumably still serving as God, peers into the window of his beloved's bedroom and hears her praying and sees her tears.  His heart is broken for her, and he is moved to act.  Out of all the voices crying out with their demands and their needs, God stops and listens to my prayers.    And He chooses to act.  God will not be manipulated by our tears, but He is moved by our prayers, by our desires to please Him.  He is the God who loves us and hears us.  He draws near because He cares.  He loves me.  His heart breaks for me.  And, His heart breaks for you out of that same love.


God bends down to listen.  To you.  To me.  And because He cares enough to come close to me, I will pray and praise as long as I have breath.

It Started with a Cupful of Love

The letter was lying on top of a very large stack of papers to be graded.  "Please Open!" it read below the fold.  I easily recognized the handwriting as belonging to one of my most active wiggle-worms.

"Probably another letter tattling on someone," I thought to myself.  With a sigh, I reached and opened the note.

"Dear Mrs. Joyner," it started, with all correct capitalization.  "I hope your neck feels better."  Ahh, my students knew my grumpiness came from this big pain in the neck I have been nursing for the past several days.  I grimaced to think of that grumpiness I had unintentionally been unloading on them--demanding silence as they worked on their writing project, expecting them to not fidget in their seats at all as we planned our  Christmas door display.  I not only was a grump, I was the Grinch.  I continued to read.

"I can't wait to see you tomorrow."  I stopped, with a lump in my throat and tears filling my eyes.  I have been so empty and lonely lately.  I've felt unwanted and unappreciated.  Overwhelmed.  Over-extended.  But definitely not over-flowing with joy or peace this holy season. And with these simple words, I felt a stirring inside, similar, perhaps, to the Grinch's stirring.  Someone enjoyed me for me--not for what I could do for them or would do for them; not for any reason other than to enjoy my presence.

Love.

Sweet love!

We all need that--to be enjoyed for who we are and not for what we give or for what we can do for someone.  Sometimes we just need to be enjoyed for being!  We have so many demands on us.  I hear my name called so many times each day that I want to change it to an unlisted name.  Each time "Mrs. Joyner" is spoken, it comes attached with a demand, a need, and I am so empty I cannot rustle up enough energy to fulfill anyone's needs.  Today I just needed someone to love on me a bit.  And this child did.  He finished, "I hope you have a good day.  And I hope you have a good weekend."  I closed the letter and tucked it into my purse.  I smiled.

This small child poured a cupful of love back into the empty bucket of my soul.

Boys

Teenage boys gathered around a dining room table.  Quips and jabs, laughter and smiles.  Loud, loud, loud.  I love it.

I am a mama of one; however, I get to "mama" a lot of my son's friends.  Life is fuller, richer with the giving of oneself, the living and the loving.  I am glad that this season is full of loud, hungry, hilarious teenage boys.  And I get to be "mama".

Another Chance to Love

Yesterday, I had a parent-teacher conference for one of my third grade students. It was part of our fall conference schedule to meet with all parents.  I didn't anticipate any surprises. This child is never a moment's trouble and always has a smile plastered across his adorable face.  He has a great sense of humor and is always neatly dressed.  I had never met his mother, but his dad had been at our Open House at the beginning of school.  My little friend always had his homework, and he always did well on every assignment.  This would be a breeze.

Dad arrived promptly.  I gushed on and on about how wonderful his son was.  When I asked if he had any questions or concerns, he replied yes.  I was somewhat taken aback until he continued.

"I just got out of prison.  I've been away for two years.  My wife tried to commit suicide and was put in a mental institution.  She is out now, but is living in another state.  I have complete custody and complete responsibility for my children.  I've never had a lot of experience as a dad.  I was the money earner.  I saw them at night and on the weekends, but I never had to take care of them before.  Now, I am everything.  I don't know how to cook.  I work as many hours as I can to provide for my family and I make pretty decent money.  The children are having to be responsible for the cleaning and laundry and such.  My son is eating one meal a day, if I can get him to eat.  I just found out my daughter is failing four out of five of her subjects in school.  I don't have any family around to help.  I'm it.  I don't know what I am doing, and I need help."

I heard the anguish in his voice and saw the pain in his heart as it splayed across his face.  Tears welled up in his eyes as he explained how overwhelmed he felt.  And for some reason, he was pouring this all out to me.  My heart broke for him, and I offered him all I had--my Hope, my Joy, my Comfort, my Jesus.

He had doubts.  He hesitated.  "I haven't ever been one to go to church.  It's not that I don't believe, because I do.  But I just don't fit in church."

And I got the chance to tell him that we do church differently.  We aren't much on dressing up.  We are a "come as you are" kind of place.  Wear your blue jeans and your boots.  Camo is fine.  You don't have to be fancy at all.  We are a bunch of believers just like you...overwhelmed, hurting, abandoned prisoners who have been set free.  And we came to Jesus just as we were.   He accepted us and made us His hands and feet.  His heart on earth. 

Now we do life together.

We do life together because life is hard.  We rely on each other--all of us--helping each other, holding hands, encouraging one another, taking care of each other's needs, lifting up the hurting.  


Because we were never meant to do it alone.

ADD is Just Part of ADDLED

I like neat.  I like orderly.  I prefer my "things" to have places and for them to stay in those places.  I like knowing where the scissors are when I need them without having to search through the junk drawer and half a dozen other places to find them.  I love putting something where it belongs and being able to go back to it days or weeks later to find that it is still there!  There is a simple beauty in organization.

Regrettably, I am anything but organized.  I seriously have the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder (my students frequently are on the look-out for my brain and all other items I have misplaced).  At first I thought my inability to keep up with my "things" stemmed from an overwhelmed brain and life.  I tried to deal with it by writing myself notes.  I lost the notes.  I sent myself text messages.  I lost my phone.  I tried using little tricks like repeating something over and over or sticking out a pinkie finger to associate it with what I needed to do.  I would get interrupted going from here to there and forget why the pinkie was hanging out solo. Or the phone would ring, and I would forget whatever mantra I was repeating.  You laugh, but I speak the truth!

Finally, a diagnosis and medication!  I am getting better at keeping up with those stacks of papers I juggle every day.  My sticky notes now stick to my calendar.  My phone resides in the bowels of the cavernous bag I carry daily, but I do know where it is; I just might not be able to get to it before voicemail picks up.  I've quit repeating things over and over, so that is good.  I've quit repeating things over and over, so that is good. Now I can actually finish the task at hand instead of running off to finish something I started days earlier and just remembered. 

I am finally able to let others do things for me because I know where I put all the pieces! 

What a load off my shoulders!  Now, I just have to figure out how to deal with this pinkie finger that keeps sticking out.

Chances to Love Are Often Overlooked

"If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die.  Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?"                                                                         Esther 4:14

We truly love God only when we obey him as we should, and then we know we belong to him.

                                                                                                 1 John 2:5

Our foolish pride comes from this world, and so do our selfish desires and our desire to have everything we see.  None of this comes from the Father.

                                                                                                 1 John 2:16

I didn't want to go. 

I had barely slept the night before and had to crawl out of bed at 7:30 to make a rehearsal.  I had been in town since eleven this morning and it was quickly approaching three.  I had not eaten lunch and was ravenous. On top of that, it was hot outside.  I really didn't want to go, but I had made the commitment to show up and help hand out school supplies to the citizens of our small town.  I consoled myself by deciding to only stay for a little while.

I parked my car under the one tree providing shade and headed to the pavilion.  Immediately I saw former students who ran up with quick hugs and big smiles.  Originally I planned to hand out the boxes of crayons as the children filed past filling up their new bookbags, but I noticed the largest group of children standing around the two lone teenagers painting faces.  Even working as quickly as they could, they were bogged down with more than they could handle.  I offered my services and joined them.

Two hours flew by!  I laughed and painted, talked and painted, listened and painted.  From homeschoolers to an autistic student, from Pre-K students to seventh graders, they all agreed they were eager for school to start.  Smiles lit up their faces as shared their anticipation with me.  They loved school for lots of different reasons--teachers, friends, even some favorite subjects!  (Math was easily the favored subject, though science easily took second place.)  Excitement and enthusiasm caused eyes to sparkle and smiles to quickly appear.  I was mesmerized!  I fell in love with the three little boys wanting white spotted dogs painted on their faces, the two boys wanting a Spiderman face,  those wanting to be ferocious tigers and the little girls who wanted kittens and butterflies to grace their flawless skin. 

In the midst of this, I saw God.  He was packing bookbags, hugging children, talking with mamas and daddies, giving hope to those who are hopeless.  Brown hands handed out  packs of paper, creamy hands held out crayons, freckled arms lifted tent poles.  His vision was being carried out by His beautiful body of believers. 

And He planned for me to be a part of it--in spite of my reluctance--"at such a time as this".  I am so blessed,

Waiting for Him

Several years ago, God led me to resign from my teaching job to be a stay-at-home-mom.  At the time, I was the main bread-winner.  My husband was substituting while he looked for a permanent teaching position.  I was confident that he would easily find a job.  After all, God is the one who led me to quit my job.  As the weeks turned into months, I began to fret.  Then, to add to the worry, our school system announced a hiring freeze.  How was my husband going to get a job?  Where would he get a job?  There were no postings in surrounding areas for his particular field.  I panicked!  Fear clutched my heart, and I began to doubt my decision to resign.

Immediately, in my anxiety, I began to call upon the Lord, reminding Him that He was the reason I no longer had a job.  I had been obedient in doing what He had called me to do.  How could He leave us stranded like this?  I poured it all out--my fear, my anger, my uncertainty--emptying it all out before His throne.

Then, spent from all the intense emotions, I stopped, and I listened.  I waited.  My soul began to quiet, my fears were calmed, my anger was gone.  I did not have an answer; my husband did not have a job, but I knew that God was in control. 

Two days later, the system that was my husband's first choice posted a job for his field.  It was a very small school system, with only one high school.  Usually the only way to get into that system was to wait until someone retired.  Teacher turnover rate was very low.  The odds of getting a job in that school was slim to nil.  He interviewed and was immediately hired. 

I learned something incredibly important through that experience.  And though my head knew what the Bible said, my heart had not known these truths as easily.  This incident sealed it in my heart forever:  What I see and what I know in my head is not all there is!  God is in control and He is working in a realm and in a way that I cannot fathom.

God has not forgotten me.  He has not forgotten what He told me.  He has not called me to do this thing and left me to deal with it on my own.  He has a plan!  While I am waiting in obedience, He is fulfilling that plan.  My answer did not come when I quit my job.  (That would have been great for my nerves!)  My answer did not come when I called out to Him in panic (though He did remind me to trust Him and to wait).  My answer came in His timing because He was still preparing that place.  Some would claim that we were actually waiting on people to make decisions and to create the teaching position.  And, yes, we were; however, all of that was part of God's plan.  He knew what had to happen.  He knew what the Board of Education wanted and needed.  And He was at the intersection of our needs and the BOE's needs.

My lesson was to keep believing that God is faithful.  God has a plan for me (and you!!), and He has not forgotten it.  My lesson was to continue in obedience because God is still causing it to happen even though I cannot see it!  What my eyes see and my head knows is NOT all there is.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 says "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  I will be found by you," says the LORD.

While you are waiting in obedience, God is getting everything lined up.  In the waiting, He is asking if you truly trust Him.  You fret because you want the answer NOW, but He is not ready to reveal it yet.  Take a deep breath.  Listen.

I hear Him asking, "Do you trust Me?  Do you trust that My plan for you is better than what you can even begin to imagine?  I AM true to My word.  I AM your provider.  I AM trustworthy.  I AM faithful.  I AM your key to unlock those closed doors.  I AM working on your behalf.  I AM.  I have you, my child.  I love you, and I see you.  I have not forgotten you.  I have not passed you by.  I have not left you alone to wither in the darkness."

In the good, in the trials, in the waiting, He is working on fulfilling His promises.  He reigns!

Flooded and Stalled

     Months have passed since I have put pen to paper, fingers to computer keyboard.  Busy, busy with all the doings of a busy wife and mom, loving daughter, home-business owner, and fledgling actress, I have dried up and crumbled into a big heap of dust.  I have run too far, walked too long, strayed too far from my roots, my sustenance.  And in not pouring out my overburdened heart and soul, I find myself flooded and overwhelmed with fears and worries, much as an automobile starter can be flooded with gasoline, so that I am literally stalled and unable to start. 

     Today I refused to go any further without  a much needed break.  Pressures still pile on from every side, but I took advice and followed the lead of Jesus.   I walked away to a quiet place and prayed and read from my true Sustenance.  Obligations abound, but I needed Peace.  Worries pressed in, but I sought Hope.  Fear threatened, but I turned to my Rock.

     Taking this little bit of time to pull away for quiet restored me as though I had plunged from the highest cliff into the deepest, coolest waters.  It is quiet here.  My soul is restored.   
I do not focus on those constant demands.  My cellphone is off.  My email can wait.  I will respond to those texts and Facebook comments later. 

I needed Jesus.

Big Ego, Big Fall

There was a time when words poured out of me like water from a spout.  They were not my words, but words given to me by the Author of Life.   Words gushed from my pen, covering a page and then more, all the while filling my soul, feeding that part of me that was hungry for His touch.  This rain of Truth into my life encouraged me and filled me.  I, in turn, shared these words (now "my" words) with others so that they would minister to the wounded and encourage the downcast.  Slowly, almost imperceptibly, my ego began to grow.   My pride began to inflate.  My perspective began to change.  I started to look for man's approval, no longer wanting to share the writings for God's glory, but for my own sense of worth.  And the deluge of words from the Father that always quenched my spirit slowed to a soft rain,  trickled down to a  light drizzle.  Then it stopped altogether, becoming more than a dry spell.  I was immersed in a true drought. 

Proverbs 16:18 (The Message) says, "First pride, then the crash— the bigger the ego, the harder the fall."  And I had definitely crashed.  My ego had grown so large that it blocked my view of the Holy One.  I could not hear His Words, could not even process His written Word. 

"God can't stomach arrogance or pretense; believe me, he'll put those upstarts in their place."  Proverbs 16:5 cut to the heart of the issue.  It cut my heart, exposing the dark arrogance and forcing me to deal with it.  My words are nothing.  His words are LIFE.  These talents, skills, gifts I possess have nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him.  I did nothing to earn them but was blessed with them for a reason.  He gave me those talents so that whatever I write would draw the reader's heart to the Source of those words, to God Himself.  And unless He inspires and provides those words, that is all they are--mere words.  Empty words.  He is the One who breathes life into them.   He is the Author and Finisher of all.  And He alone deserves the recognition and praise.

Father, forgive my arrogance.  I want to be used by You for Your glory, for Your honor.  Root out and reveal those fleshly bits I hold so tightly that I may let them go and grab hold of You.

Stepping Out

Ok, Lord,  I am here.  It’s 5:00 AM and I wanted to stay in bed.  I came up with a million excuses and reasons why I could, why I should.  But, I kept hearing your voice saying, “Take the first step.”

So, here I am.  I don’t know if writing is what You wanted me to do this morning, but it is the first thing that came to me when I woke and saw what time it was.  I want to be obedient to You, obedient to what You have called me to do, obedient to the life You have called me to.

I wrestled, Lord, flesh wanting to stay in bed for one more hour, spirit wanting to be used by You in a mighty way, soul yearning to be who You created me to be.  Step out!  You told Abraham to go to the place that You would show him.  He moved in obedience and You gave him a nation.  I trust You.  Take me where You want me.  Move me, guide me, show me where You want me.  I have faith that You can and You will.  I am stepping out.

You are God.  You are my Creator, my Sustainer.  You are my Salvation.  You are my Rock and my Refuge.  You are my Strength and my Portion.  You are my Deliverer.  You are the Author and Perfector of my soul. 

You do not call me to walk in darkness, but You have created a path for me in Light.  You plant my feet, guiding each step over rock or pasture.  Nothing comes to me that has not passed through Your hand.  I move—this step, now—to walk in obedience to Your plan for my life.  I don't want to be on the sidelines, watching life.  I want to live what You created me for. 

Lord, here I am.  Use me for Your glory.

And, unless You have something else planned for me, I'll be here again tomorrow.

Love of the Father

This week has brought loss to two families in my circle of friends--parents losing children.  It has not been easy to watch as they begin the grieving process.  I am a bystander, grieving too, but not as a parent.  I cannot begin to imagine the pain, the grief that wells up inside to the point of flowing out of my mouth in a scream, a sob.  My heart breaks when my mind attempts to go there.

But, I glory in a God who loves us so much that He willingly chose to accept that same grief and pain that they are experiencing.   I trust in a Father who so loved me that He was willing to give His Own Son over to death in order to keep me.  I rest in the truth that He sees our every tear and captures them in a bottle.

Easter reminds us of the pain that Jesus chose and accepted for us.  He took our sin on His sinless body, became so vile in the stench of it that the Father turned away as the Son died a death that we do not have to die.  His Father saw Him in His Agony and allowed Him to suffer because of Love.

These parents now know, to some extent, the pain of the Father.  And they know the price that was paid.  Who among us would have been willing to watch our child suffer so grievously for another? I cannot imagine such Love. 

That same Father holds these precious ones. And He holds these parents, creating a new normal in their lives. He carries them through all of their todays and tomorrows, healing them until that Someday when families are re-united.

This Resurrection Sunday marks that Someday for Jesus.  And because He lives again with His Father, we wait and we pray for the days to get easier, the grief to subside, so that the memories are only precious and not painful.  We wait to be re-united with family.  We wait for Someday!

Come, Lord Jesus.

You Never Know What to Expect

        Teaching is an adventure.  No two days are ever the same, and you never know what to expect from the minds and mouths of third graders.  There is never a dull moment!

        My students bring me an endless source of joy and amazement.  I take deep delight in their discoveries and in their growth.  I love kidding with them and watching their sense of humor mature.  Sometimes they stop me in my tracks with their humor. 

        Last Friday, one of my students made a comment about my age.  "Mrs. Joyner, you were alive in the 1950s, weren't you?" one precious child quipped.  My reply was a quick no.  He continued, "But you're fifty years old!". 
        Immediately I put my hands on my hips and with a stern look, playfully chastised him.  "I am not 50.  I am 46," I said in my best teacher voice.
        He looked me the eye, smiled, and replied, "But, it rounds to 50."
        Bazinga!

        Later that day, we were watching a film on rocks and minerals.  The phone rang again and again.  I was trying to fill out report cards but was unable to keep my focus with the constant interruptions.  I headed back to my desk to once again work on report cards after the sixth phone call.  I was halfway across the room when the phone rang again.  I turned, answered it, dealt with whatever was needed, and hung up.  I stood still, trying to recall what I was doing before that interruption.  I muttered to myself, "Where was I going?"
        To that, one quick youngster replied with perfect timing, "Crazy!"
        If only he knew how accurate he was!

        That same afternoon my students lined up to be released for buses.  As I walked to the front of the line, I heard one boy say, "Stop licking me!"  I stopped in my tracks, bowed my head, and put my hand over my eyes.  I waited, trying to decide exactly how I wanted to deal with this. 
        The students got quiet.  I heard one whisper, "What is she doing?" 
        Sadie replied, "She's having a moment."
        Out of the mouths of babes!