Friday, August 19, 2011

Changing My Family Tree

I struggle with control.  I wrestle to release the fist wrapped around the bank account--my fist.  I am the bookkeeper, billpayer, account balancer, budget keeper for our family.  I so want to be at the place where I can release this control--not to my husband--to my Lord.  I long for the day when I will be debt-free so that I can freely give--no, pour out--from the blessings I have been given.

I am a balance keeper.  I need to know that the bills are paid, there's a reserve to tide us over, carry us through.  I juggle the books and the wants versus needs of my family, and I want to say "YES" to their requests but rarely do.   "A first run movie?  Sure!"  "Need money for the yearbook?  No problem!"  "A weekend in the mountains?  I'd love it!"  (They would really like to hear this from me.)  But, what I want more than anything is to be the kind of giver that God calls me to be--cheerful, attentive, generous.

I want to take care of the widows and the orphans, the lost and forgottens, the left behinds and the left alones; but I can't do that when I am chasing security in a savings account.  SO, I release the fears of not having, of not being like everyone else, and embrace those very differences.  I don't want to be like everyone else--in debt and stressed.  I don't want the weight of all those things pressing me down, pulling me under.  I want to be different, maybe even weird

I will not be satisfied until I finally begin to live the life I was meant to have--a life abundant and free, in Jesus Christ!   I am firmly rooted in the knowledge that everything I have and "own" is not mine; it all belongs to God, and He has placed me as a steward over those things.  He is my provider and I will be wise with the resources He has given me.  My life will be different because He has set me free.  I will not be a slave to any master--especially money.  And I will pass that legacy down to my children and my children's children.  My family tree will be different, and it starts with me.


I find myself staring
at hands
that futilely grasp at the
temporal things:
pleasure, power, prestige.
All things that are ultimately worthless.
If only I could pry
the aching fingers lose
free my soul!

It's not mine. 
Whatever "it" is,
it is Yours, Lord.
You provide in abundance
for my needs
tho' still I
cling to the promises of this world.

My eyes search
for the gleam that
says gold and glitter
but my heart searches for Truth and depth,
for the One Who
Himself, His life,
out and into me.

Enslaved to the earthly,
longing for the Holy,
living for eternity,
I long to live
as Yours.