Today is the first day...of the second half of my life. I'm no longer living in the past; I will no longer hold on to those things that have weighed me down and held me back. Today I start living.
Managing my weight has been a lifelong battle, or at least it seems to have been. I remember from a very early age hearing comments about my weight: at age five, a relative commented on "chubby Shell"; at six, my grandfather laughed and said I was "fat".
Even now, as a forty-five year-old woman, I still view myself as having always been fat. However, when I look back at pictures, I was not fat at age six. I wasn't even chubby at age five. I was just taller than my sister (who is a year older than I am) and thus weighed more than she. As I grew, I saw myself as the "fat sister", the "fat daughter", "the fat one". And it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
High school saw me as a size fourteen. "I must be huge!" I thought. However, twenty years later when I look back, I see that I was not fat. I looked just like my other friends (one was a cheerleader!). Yes, I was buxom, but not fat.
In college, I gained the requisite "Freshmen Fifteen". I had a boyfriend, gained five pounds, got engaged, dumped a fiancé, gained ten pounds, graduated, went to work, lost twenty pounds, got married, gained thirty pounds, discovered I had breast cancer, had surgery and chemo, lost fifteen pounds, got pregnant, gained only five pounds, had a baby, discovered breast cancer again, had surgery and chemo again, and gained twenty pounds.
So here I am at forty-five, overweight and fed up. I want to live--and like the uncles in Secondhand Lions, I want to really live. I am tired of my weight holding me back, draining my energy, stealing my self-confidence, filling me with the idea that I am worth less than everyone else.
A year ago, I read that God sees us as beautiful. It hit me smack in the face--I've never felt beautiful. NEVER. So last Spring, I asked God to let me see myself the way He sees me. Within days, people began to make comments about me to me and on Facebook: "I love your hair", "Wow, Sabrina, looking good!", "You look great!", and, those exact words I longed to hear, "You are beautiful!" I began to feel wonderful. Even better, for the first time ever, I began to see myself as beautiful! At that point, I discovered I was worth being healthy. I am worth it!
Now, I begin a new journey, this second half of my life. I will truly live! I will not hide myself in my "fat" clothes; I will not hide behind my glasses; I will not hide behind a book; I will not eat to make myself feel better; and I will not hide behind my weight. I will know that I am wonderfully and beautifully made by a gracious and loving God. I will know that I have value and I will celebrate this every day of my life.
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I have a passion to share God's goodness and beauty with women in order to encourage them as they walk through the fire. Both my written and spoken words are works from God, touching the hearts of His daughters. I am one of His daughters, walking, worshipping, and witnessing through the fire.
"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."
Proverbs 31:26
She Speaks Conference http://shespeaksconference.com/
July 22-24, 2011
Concord, North CarolinaDo you long to touch the heart of our Father God? Come, be refreshed; come, be renewed. Come join with this unique group of women as we seek to connect with the heart of God. Come serve Him and His daughters, as He leads us to His very heart.
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All's grace,
Ann